A shocking discovery...

I have discovered that within one straight mile of my apartment there are five fast food restaurants: Burger King, Whataburger (the husbands not so secret guilty pleasure - having a joint bank account, I always catch him out), Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits, MacDonalds (of course) and Wendy's. There is also a Starbucks and a drive-thru Seattle Coffee Company. So many and so much choice! It makes me want to buy grapes and work-out.

Oh the weather outside is frightful!!!!

Texas has the most unpredictable weather! 

On Thursday I was wearing shorts, basking in glorious sunshine at Grapevine and watching this hard working and enthusiastic American earn his wages:

One day later, I was walking to the gym in my winter coat with furry hood up and watching ice rain down in the evening.

Two days later we woke up in Narnia. 

To the excited children of Dallas (bless them, they don't see snow often) it looked like a winter wonderland until they ran outside, slipped on their bums and realised that throwing ice balls instead of snow balls isn't that much fun. 

On the first day, we stayed in, tucked up warm, eating food, watching Lost and, because of the latter, feeling thoroughly confused. On the second day, it took us forty five minutes to de-ice the car with no scraper, no de-icer, no heated windscreens and no gloves (cue me complaining that I'd left all my winter gear in England because I was advised that I wouldn't need it - pah!). We then proceeded to drive on an ice rink of death and pretend we were in an armageddon film. As we drove, we passed enormous branches laying on the roadside that has snapped from trees due to the big freeze. Today, the ice has started to thaw and crash dangerously to the ground from roofs in slabs. 

  What is going on Texas, you crazy boof?! I bet 100% I'll be back in shorts before the year is out. 

The British Emporium

I have discovered how to get my fix of Britain right here in the heart of Texas. 

I don't need to spend $1000 dollars on a flight, oh no my friend. I need only to travel 20 minutes up the road to a heavenly place called the British Emporium, run by Sylvia (who has, incidentally, kept her clipped British accent after 20 years of living here, whereas I find myself accused by my sister over Skype as sounding American already after a pitiful month. I am an accent chameleon. I once spent an entire flight from Australia to England chatting to the person next to me who, at the end of the journey, enquired as to which part of Australia I was from. I'd been there 2 weeks). 

The shop is cramped with narrow isles (a dedication to British roads), and FULL of British treats. At the moment, it is Christmas land for me, with mince pies, brandy butter, Christmas pudding, Cadbury's chocolate box selections, clotted cream fudge, mulled wine, shortbread, stinky cheese (the mouldier the better) and crackers (pulling a cracker at the Christmas table and wearing jolly paper hats is not done here...give me time...). Apart from food products, there were other necessities for a Brit living abroad: Pears soap, Savlon (?!), Doctor Who memorabilia (of course), teapots and mugs sporting every single icon associated with Britain. By the time I left with my goods I was all for purchasing a Union Jack flag (they sold them by the door) and singing God Save the Queen (I think my mother-in-law would have been slightly mortified). As it was, I left with a polite 'Cheerio and thank you'. 

My purchases included: 

...to have on my...

 

(I made my mother-in-law try one with Marmite on it. Let's just say she was not a fan. In fact, I have yet to find anyone over here that is. It is my mission. I shall carry my Marmite wherever I go and find a fellow lover)

...the best jam EVER (Christmas flavour - who care's what's in it!!! It could be Reindeer for all I know, but it's just so darn good!) and brandy butter to accompany the mince pies I will be making with a jar of mincemeat that I also purchased.

I also grabbed two Cornish pasties which we will be having for tea in 15 minutes. I researched Cornish pasties (as you do) and found out that tin miners used to eat them because it formed a complete meal without the need for cutlery and the thick pastry kept the food inside warm for a long time. AND apparently they used to hold the pasty along the crusted edge with their dirty, arsenic covered fingers which they later threw away to prevent themselves form getting a tummy ache or, you know, dying. Of course this may all be myth. 

Here is a picture of our Cornish pasties:

They contain beef, swede (or 'rutabaga' over here - I know, great word!), potato and onions. Yum!

Fact

Walmart's apples are the size of a baby's head. I had to take a rest half way through! 

Seagulls

Our alarm is the sound of seagulls. A strange one, some may say, but for me, it reminds me of English holidays. Living in Dallas, we are MILES from the coast, and I really feel that I no longer live on an island. Wherever you are in England, you can drive to the seaside and back for an afternoon out, so seagulls can be spotted in every city, town and village. It may come as a surprise to many Brits that I long for the squawking, obnoxious call of seagulls. I even miss their incredible ability to steal an entire ice cream cone from the hands of an unsuspecting holiday maker (witnessed first hand on Brighton Pier - the poor lady screamed and fell to the ground), and their precision when plucking a chip (french fry) from the air that has been tossed by a rare gull lover. It's a simple truth - when something from the background hum to your life is gone, you miss it.

Imagine my surprise and sheer joy then when I walked across Walmart's car-park and heard the sweet squawk of a gull! I stopped, turned and gazed up at the bird sitting on top of a lamp post. It was a beautiful moment, but I do think the poor bugger was lost.   

The Tomato Capital Y’all

This is a piece I included in my dissertation for my Masters in Creative Writing. It's based on an experience I had in Texas during my first visit almost one year ago, and one of the moments I discovered how 'freakin legit' (as my husband would say) Texas is! 

Jacksonville, Texas, home of the largest bowl of salsa and the best dang Texas barbeque you’re ever likely to get.

I bit into my beef steak burger at Jacksonville Joe’s. As I chewed, I was aware that every set of eyes at the table was fixed on me, awaiting my response.

‘It’s good,’ I garbled through my mouthful, then took another and smiled to confirm. Outside, a concrete tomato weighing 665 pounds and sporting a patched up ‘boo-boo’ grinned at me. I grinned back, reminded of the small town’s status as the Tomato Capital of the World. In celebration, 235 concrete tomatoes had been commissioned, each decorated with its own unique flare and character.

The walls of Joe’s were littered with scrawled names and ‘I was here’ phrases. I was asked to leave my mark, making sure to write where I was from too so that everyone would know that an English girl had sampled the cuisine. When I was directed to a section of the wall designated to my elderly host’s family, I felt a warm surge of affection for the people of Jacksonville. 

I took another bite of my burger, feeling a glob of salsa escape the bun and drop onto my chin. I reached for my napkin to remove it when a booming southern voice called across the cafe.

‘Is there a lady from England in here?’

I turned in response, my mouth full and the salsa still sat on my chin.

‘Hello,’ I managed through the beef.

Three of my companions at the table who were local to Jacksonville acknowledged the large man as the Senator and dipped their heads respectfully. I cringed and cursed at my incessant need to tear large chunks from my food.    

The Senator shook my hand and asked if I had signed the wall.

This must be what fame feels like, I thought as I sucked the last string of beef from my teeth.

From the corner of my eye I could see the rapid rise and fall of my fiancé’s shoulders as he tried to supress his amusement at the situation. I ignored him and gazed up at the Senator with my best English-rose smile. This must have won him over, as in the next breath I had an invitation to see his Long Horn Cattle. My fiancé stopped laughing abruptly and choked on his coke.  

Bits and Bobs

Hubby asked where his wallet was yesterday. I told him it was in the bits and bobs drawer. After lots of opening and closing doors, looking in corners and under the bed, it was clear he had no idea what I had just said. #language barrier (I apologise for hash tagging, it will never happen again)